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Saturday, July 31, 2010

Gay Days

This weekend marks the beginning of Pride Week in Vancouver and being the hag that I am, I'd love nothing better than to be watching the parade this Sunday because it's absolutely dragalicious! This of course reminds me of a previous Pride Week that I spent with an ex-boyfriend and his parents - Ay Caramba!

After a day of lazing and picnicking on the beach, the four of us decided to head out for dinner. Now before I go any further, let me just say that I assumed that my ex-boyfriend's parents were well familiar with identifying gay men as their son lived in Vancouver's West End, an area known for its "substantial gay population" (it even says so on Wikipedia - check it out!), but it never occurred to me that they weren’t familiar with lesbians. Anyways, we opted to escape the hullabaloo of the West End and wouldn’t you know it, we ended up at Stella’s (Belgian eatery – so good!) on Commercial Drive, an area of Vancouver that’s popular with the lesbian community.

Now seeing as it was Pride Week, business was a boomin’ chez Stella’s, with loads of gals and their gal pals enjoying themselves. Ex-boyfriend’s mother noticed there were a lot of single women in place and of course she couldn’t help but wonder out loud why this was so. This is the point where you may want to stamp the word “Sucker” on my forehead because I took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

“Well, Mrs. Ex-Boyfriend’s Mom, I think a lot of these women may be, uhhh, lesbians.” I said discreetly.

“Really?” she exclaimed. “How can you tell?” Let me just say that she had a strong French accent and she wasn’t discreet at the best of times. Shit. It was also at this point that I realized that my ex had been signalling at me to not engage her in this conversation because it would just end badly. Double shit. Oh well, in for a penny…

“Well, Mrs. Ex-Boyfriend’s Mom, a lot of times they’re not quite as, uhhhh, feminine as other women.” Before I go any further, I must tell you that I fully recognize that not all lesbians are butchy; I was just trying to simplify things for her.

“That one over there,” she exclaimed in a booming voice while gesturing wildly, “she has short hair and a bum like a man, IS SHE A LESBIAN????!!!!?????” Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!! Yeah, there was nothing discreet about her. Right there, that was the moment that my ex gave me that “you’re on your own” look and decided to sit back and enjoy the show. What a dick. Okay, I would have done the same.

For the rest of the evening her gaydar was on overdrive, with her pointing and yelling “IS THAT A LESBIAN????!!!!????” each time she saw a woman with short hair. Yeah, she even did this as we were drivng down the street with the windows rolled down. It wasn’t long before I was curled in the fetal position, muttering “I don’t know” over and over again.

I guess the moral of this story is to avoid going anywhere in Vancouver with parents during Pride Week because it most likely will not end well. If you do take part in the festivities, play safe but have fun!

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